Lose yourself only to find your true self
One must lose herself in order to find herself anew. This has never felt truer as it has of recent. And for me, this time, it revealed itself through the journey of my hair.
I had decided that I needed something new and fresh from the blonde that I had always had. There was a deep feeling of something else within me that needed to be seen and freed, it was something that said be bold and try something that is out of the norm. So, I followed the seemingly intuitive nudge and went darker with my hair. It was actually intended to be more of a strawberry blonde but ended up being much darker. While the color was sexy and rich, when I would look in the mirror, I didn’t recognize who was looking back at me. I blamed it on the hair. I tried to fall in the love with hair, tried to convince myself that I was doing what I needed to be doing. Not ironically, at this same time, I began to unravel from places and situations where I had lost myself in other ideals and beliefs about life. I had soldiered up with beliefs and actions that didn’t align with MY soul. I wasn’t able to see the connection yet. It would come.
The day came that I couldn’t look at the mirror anymore. I needed to lighten my color again, get closer to my original color, change the hair again. So, the change happened to make my hair “Peachy Pink”. I felt I was coming back, but still didn’t have that complete recognition of the women in the mirror. Ironically, I had never even liked anything peach before, yet I was allowing it to be how I was seen and witnessed. May others liked and suggested I stay this color. It was a beautiful and fun color, yet still wasn’t what was igniting my soul. It was again representative of how I was feeling inside. Things were slowly shifting though, I had begun to make choices to align back to myself, to slowly find my way back to my own sovereignty. But still not fully committed to my own knowingness.
As you can see, eventually I did make my way back to myself. But before I did, so much changed in my life, people and relationships shifted. My work shifted, how I spent my time shifted, how I committed myself changed, but mostly I changed the way I honored myself and stood clear in my own sovereignty. It was at this point, I changed my hair back to blonde, who I always was and had always been. And I have never loved my hair more. It is fuller and bolder and I feel it represents who I really am. But really, I have never felt more connected to myself and my mission than I do now. I am committed to my own sovereignty, to standing strong on my own two feet, and allowing my truth to always be enough for what God needs me to do. In this commitment I was able to forgive myself for forgetting and getting lost, and now I know I will always return back to where I have always belonged, to myself. I see now that I had to get lost in order to remember who I really am. I needed to know what it feels like to abandon myself and then CHOOSE to claim myself again and feel stronger because of the journey.